It’s not #RelationshipTuesday yet, but some posts can’t wait! Being in a relationship when you;re doing things God’s way is one of the most refreshing, not saying that it’s not a challenge, because with EVERYTHING in life, there is a challenge, but it definitely makes things feel more refreshing and stress-free. You’re judgement is no longer clouded when you choose to do things God’s way vs. adapting to the ways of the society. This is why I solely understood Ciara and Russell Wilson’s relationship and recent engagement. But most, “the world,” they do not because they see and are doing things a different way.
So let’s dig deep into how society thinks. They are outsiders looking in who love to speculate because opinions are like butt-holes, everyone has one! I’m going to use Ciara and Russell’s relationship as an example because most know who they are and had their opinions. Before Ciara fell in love with Russell she had too long broke off her engagement with the father of her child Future. So already, “the world” is like “Well damn! She didn’t even have enough time to breathe before getting into something else, especially after coming from an engagement.” This the first problem with society. They are so flawed with time. They put a time stamp on everything, and God doesn’t. People will say, well I at least have to stay at this job for six months to a year because it doesn’t look good on my resume when I jump around. Really!?1 So you rather settle for a job that is not for you or below you means and pass up on an opportunity that you love that pays more because you only been with one job for a month? They do the same thing with love. People will miss out in their blessings with someone because they recently broke it off with someone and because of American’s standards that they should at least wait a good amount of time before getting int anything serious and then after that, they should wait at least this length of time before they consider marrying someone. Who made that rule? Certainly not God. And we all know how flawed and messed up America is, and how they constantly throw other ethnic groups who are not White under the bus! Let’s just be real, but that’s another topic for another day.
Now back to Ciara. People, who are outsiders, and yes even friends and family are outsiders to your relationship, do not know the extent of what went on in a previous relationship before you met your soulmate. People check-out of relationships long before they break up. So Ciara and Future could have already knew that they weren’t for each other, but when you are in the public eye, you do certain things. Then when there is a child involved, now you feel that you have to go on with a marriage because of judgmental people will say. So they get engaged, knowing they do not want to be with each other. But outsiders never know what is going on. They see a couple together for years and will be like “See, they will be ready for marriage soon because they are taking plenty of time to get to know each other…” then when they see a new couple it’s, “Oh, you guys are a nice fit, but please take your time. Get to know each other.” They do not know how much the couple communicates or what they communicate about. But I can say people do not understand what is foreign to them, and for others, they say take you time because they want to get to know the other person more. So because they do not know the person as well as they like, even if they generally love how the person treats their kinfolk or friend, because they do not the other person to a certain extent that they feel they need to and if it seems like it’s moving fast to them, now they get nervous for the other person because of what they do not understand. Everyone’s experience is different, and when you choose to live in a Christ-centered relationship, the majority will not understand it if they are keen to understanding what they think is the norm, and the norm is the way society does things, not the way God has things planned. God always gives us our blessings when we least expect it.
So now let’s go into the most important part. Why society does not understand a Christ-centered relationship? Because of sex. Humans are naturally adapted to want and crave sex. So when they are in a relationship, and things are heavy, they will have sex too soon, which ultimately clouds their judgement. So when you are doing things God’s way and you’re celibate before marriage, the process of knowing if someone is or is not for you goes alot quicker and many do not understand that. But know everyone has that strength that choose to be celibate for their spouse, and it’s a blessing when you and your significant other are on the same page and constantly pray together and for each other. And yes there are ways to know if the passion is there and will be there in your marriage without having sex. You learn before hand how to create true intimacy which doesn’t involve sex, so now you know how to have that well-balanced relationship which will lead to the balanced marriage where you are not afraid of compromise.
I know a very close relative who has been married for over 15 years, and prior to their marriage they dated and got married in five months. Their relationship is also Christ-centered. But to people who are used to doing things within the norm, 5 months will definitely seem like too soon, but when your judgement is not clouded and you are communicating and having fun together and becoming each other’s best friend, it’s actually a good amount of time to know if that person is ‘the one.’
When sex is involved, and you start having sex with someone just weeks into knowing them or a month to three months in, it clouds your judgement, heck sex anytime in a relationship can cloud your judgement. This is why you’ll couples who act like their married and stay together for 2, 3, 4, 5, 10, 15+ years and prolong getting married because they are already getting everything they would get in a marriage, they just do not have that official certificate yet.
I’ve been following a Christian based media site called Married And Young, ran by Jamal and Natasha! Their story is awesome! They met through Facebook in a group that they both belonged to. They eventually started to notice each other;s comments and insights and when they started dating they we’re engaged in 8 months, no sex involved. So they really got to know each other quicker and realize that they were for each other than a couple sexually involved who prolong marriage or end up braking up after a year of realizing that they actually were;t for each other. You know what someone’s intentions are within one to three months of talking, and this one you talk on a consistent basis and then start spending a consistent amount of time together. Men also know off the bat whether a woman is for them, and based on the situation that he is in and where his mindset is at the time, will determine when HE is ready to lead that special women in his life to marriage, because men were naturally called to lead. Some men take longer than others and some are quicker than others. The main thing to know is that when you spend and talk on a consistent basis it is VERY possible to know when someone is for you within a 6-month time period.
That’s why you’ll see some celebrating 6-month anniversaries, I personally think it’s silly to celebrate a 6-month relationship anniversary but alot of relationships will fail after just two or three months. But people know! I’ve seen some people get in a relationship with someone and in a month they break up, although a smart person waits until a month to make it official with that person. After a month of hanging and consistently talking, you already know off the bat if you want to deal with that person and see certain habits, as you’re older. Most people under the age of 25 are still in a certain phase a.k.a. college, club hopping, etc., so a committed relationship is so far off the charts at that age for most.
Now let’s wrap things up…
Below is a checklist when you know you have that soul mate and one for you, no matter how long or quick it takes. Everyone’s story is different. Just because one person went through several bad experiences or it took them forever to realize that they are with the one for them, doesn’t mean it has to be the same for everyone else. Why should one couple wait based on what someone else thinks based on an experience that they went though? In life, no matter what the situation is, we each are unique and God has given us all our own unique experience. Yes, some people will have similar situations, but how they get through that experience will be different because they are different people. Some people just learn quicker than others no matter the age. A person in their 20s and 30s can learn things quicker than a person in their 40s, 50s, 60s did when they were that age because they are DIFFERENT people, living in DIFFERENT times, and choosing to do things in a DIFFERENT way that bests suits them and their happiness. The main thing is that when you experience the things below, you know that you have found your soulmate. And some people still do find their’s at younger ages. Also, ladies, stop being so picky! That is how you miss out on you’re blessing. Start thinking outside the box (read more on that topic in the recent story that I did on Samantha Pounds here). Just because a man is not 6’5, light-skin, and has a high-end corporate job doesn’t not mean he’s for you. He may have all that and NEVER want to get married or he may be abusive or have other type of issues; but the man who is 5’7/5’8, has a stable career, but is also pursuing other career ventures may just be that one for you but some pay write him off because he’s too short! Relationships are about balance and the way you each treat each other and contribute to each other’s happiness.
Here’s the must haves in a relationship geared towards marriage:
- Both are emotionally stable
- You each communicate about everything and have since day 1, since the “Hi, my name is” stage.
- You both show affection towards each other
- You accept each other’s flaws because we all have them
- You continue to grow together
- You have fun with each other. The other person is your best friend
- When you disagree or misunderstand each other, you talk to understand one another
- You learn the art of compromise
- You let each other be yourselves within the relationship
- You learn to work as a team in the pre-engagement phase
- You appreciate all the small gestures and they mean more than a material item
- You learn things from each other and can bounce ideas off of each other
- You support each other’s vision
- Your visions align
- You want the same things
Those are the most important things to knowing when you have found your soulmate, and you start checking off the list starting at Day 1! By just a few simple conversations, if he or she is not talking the same lango as you are, write-them off! No matter how pretty or fine you think she or he is. And i’ll leave you with this, a few wise and successful married couples have told me that you never stop growing and will continue to learn more about the person as time goes on. People never stop growing, we all continue to grow until the day we die. We are just set on this earth to achieve and live out our God-given purpose, not to complete the growing process at a certain age. God has that person for everyone to grow with, side-by-side, like Batman and Robin! There is no certain amount of time for love, so do not let others steer you in the direction that they think you should go based on what they feel they would do. They are not you, and do not know your experiences.