When What If Is Better Than What Happened

Monica thought she had met her husband. She thought wrong. Three years ago she was sitting in her friends college dorm room listening to music. She was still very much in love with her boyfriend back home but they were beginning to have problems. She was becoming a woman and moving in a new direction. She wanted him to be right there with her. Emotionally, mentally and spiritually he just couldn’t be. From the time they were seventeen, they planned on being together forever. At that moment in her life, she knew that it wasn’t meant to be.

They slowly grew apart but they so desperately wanted to hold on. That was their biggest mistake. Her friend Dorian also had a girlfriend back home. They had been friends for the past two years. Just friends. Then something happened. She started to feel something. Of course she denied it at first because she didn’t want to believe that the ‘love of her life’ (who she referred to her boyfriend as) wasn’t.That day as she sat in his room a thought came to her. “This is my husband.” It startled her. She couldn’t believe it.

That summer her relationship ended. Dorian’s relationship had always been on and off. When she returned to school junior year she just knew their relationship would blossom. I mean they spoke every day that summer. She knew that he had feelings for her too. He flirted non stop.

When she returned to school, she found out (not from him) that he and his girlfriend were back together.They had many conversations with each other about their feelings. She constantly told him that he couldn’t keep flirting with her and playing with her emotions. He agreed. He expressed how he wanted to be with her, but then he would get scared that he was doing the wrong thing. Maybe he was with the person he was supposed to be with. She didn’t want him to leave his girlfriend for her, but she also didn’t want to be used. She knew she had to get over him. She was in love with a man she couldn’t have.He never stopped though. His feelings for her were just as strong.

She slowly distanced herself from him. Before anything they were friends. Really good friends. To save this friendship she knew these feelings had to go. That entire semester they didn’t spend too much time together and by January she had successfully moved on. Of course her feelings didn’t die completely, but she was finally okay not being with him. For the remainder of that year and most of senior year they were back to being best friends. They flirted from time to time but nothing serious. At times she would have to remind him about playing with her emotions but they were okay. They laughed and joked with each other. Then two weeks before graduation, everything changed. They had never even kissed before.

After a year of being celibate, she had sex with him. He had coaxed her and coaxed her over and over and over. She was terrified because she knew she was about to sacrifice everything. She didn’t know it then but this would be the day that would change her life forever. He had convinced her that they would be together. So she continually had sex with him with no guarantee. This carried on over the summer. His excuses were he wasn’t ready to jump back into a relationship. He wasn’t sure if it was right to leave his ex. She had been there for him for so long. Other women had confessed their love to him and he was confused.

Monica said she would back off to make it easier on him but he said no making her believe that she was the one he wanted.At the time, she knew she had gotten herself into some mess and that she needed to get out. She had waited for so long. She was convinced this was the man she was to marry. She didn’t want to have to look back and say ‘what if’.

That summer she went through an emotional whirlwind. Still, she had become so devoted to him. She was being a wife to someone who wasn’t even her man. By September she still had no commitment. She moved four hours away for graduate school still having faith in his empty promises.

Monica was now consumed with Dorian, grad school, career and family. She eventually became consumed with guilt. She began to realize just how much she gave up for him. Her morals, her beliefs, and her commitments to herself were all lost. S he was lost. She had to admit that she had moved away from God. It was January when she got her life back. She wasn’t purposely trying to get over Dorian this time but as her relationship with God strengthened, the relationship with Dorian no longer made since. He didn’t fit in her life.

Truthfully, Monica had always had doubts about him but there were so many other great things about him she ignored them. Now she had clear eyes.Monica thought her troubles were over. She didn’t realize just how damaged she was until she entered into a relationship. She met a wonderful man who loves God and respects her beliefs. They share the same morals. With him, its easy.

In the beginning she felt very insecure. She was waiting for something bad to happen. Even though he was right there with her, she didn’t believe he actually wanted her. She became a woman who believed no man actually wanted her. Here was a man who prays with her, prays for her, and reassures her of her beauty. She couldn’t believe she had become this person.

It has been a process but Monica is healing. She is very happy in her new relationship. Her and Dorian are no longer friends. There was a time where she tried to save their friendship. Then they crossed the line. There was no going back. Monica takes responsibility for her actions. She is an adult and has free will but she does believe Dorian has fault. What hurt her the most is that they were friends. Her friend allowed her to give so much for nothing. He knew. He took advantage of her, of his friend. Now she can only wish her story was ‘what if’.

Tamara Jackson
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Tamara Jackson was born in Houston, TX and raised in Buffalo, NY. At an early age, she realized her love for words. She began writing poetry which evolved into songs, then skits, then plays, then screenplays. Currently, Tamara is a graduate student at Savannah College of Art and Design where she is working towards her MFA in performing arts. She is writing her first book. (Update: She graduated from SCAD in 2012).

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