Moca,

I’ve read some of your past letters and I know you will agree with me when I say, I get so sick and tired of men pressing me for sex when they first meet me. For the life of me I don’t understand why it plays such a pivotal role in a man’s definition of relationship. I like sex and enjoy having it but I’m far from allowing it to define my relationships. How do we break this pattern that guys have or is this just something I have to live with or without?

Sexually Waiting, (Charlotte, NC)

Yeah, so this topic is one that I have stepped on my soapbox about once or twice.  If I had to give a simple answer it would be that society has created a comfortable environment for sex and therefore it is very easy for guys to engage in the topic of discussion. I sometimes think that because guys can be quite simple minded that ‘sex’ to them is an easy topic to discuss or maybe if you turned them down it had nothing to do with them personally it was the fact you couldn’t handle them sexually. You know the ego boost to comfort the rejection that no one likes to feel. I mean there can be a number of reasons why sex is at the forefront of a man’s mind. So, I decided to go directly to the source and ask a few guys their opinion. I received similar answers from two very different guys.

Guy number one, let’s call him Mario, said that men are ultimately ‘physical creatures’ and physical attraction is what drives men thoughts and actions. So, this would naturally be the topic they would initiate. Of course I argued the fact that there was a time when the talk of sex was taboo and while men may have thought about it they rarely mentioned it in conversation especially not at the onset of meeting a lady. But we both agreed that society has changed that mindset. Mario said women have made it easy for men to just be physical creatures because we accept the behavior and participate in the conversations. So, while there may be a few ladies that don’t the majority like men that keep ‘pressing you for sex.’

Guy number two, we’ll call him Kevin, says that it really comes down to ‘black and white.’ According to him, white people are more carefree and open when it comes to discussing sex; ‘looking at it as beautiful…’ while black people are all uptight and view it as, ‘horrific if it wasn’t done through the proper stages.’ Kevin said that sex makes up 75% of a relationship so it will come up, plus women know after they first meet a guy if they will ever have sex with him so why wait. I couldn’t help but to laugh at his last statement because while it is TRUE that women do know if they will EVER have sex with a man from first sight where do guys get off thinking they can automatically get 75% of a relationship and not start with the 25% that has nothing to do with sex. He also said the same thing Mario said regarding women accepting this type of behavior and making it easy for men to continue. I totally agree!!!!!

YES!!! I agree a lot of women are EASY!!!! They have convinced themselves that they can have unattached sex just like a man NOT realizing that men get attached as well (they just don’t like to admit it). SEX is NOT just a physical act but also, emotional, mental, and spiritual. I think people really believe that it’s possible to have JUST SEX with someone BUT sex was NOT design to have with random people that’s why feelings get involved…it matters if it’s good or bad…it causes friction in relationships. I’ve noticed how PHYSICAL a society we have become…back in the day ‘knowing where babies come from’ was a BIG question for kids. NOW, hell, some of these children may know more than me. At some point it became ok and people became more comfortable with sex to the point that it’s no longer A PART of a relationship IT IS the relationship.

So, with all that said the answer lies with you, sexually waiting. You have to want different, expect different, and accept different. Stop entertaining those guys that continue to ‘press you for sex’ and become comfortable in your own sexuality to know your worth and don’t be afraid to LIVE OUT LOUD!!!!

MOCA