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Second Guessing Love


We started off as friends, I fell in love with him, I got pregnant, and now we have had several discussions about marriage. At this point I should be extremely happy and most importantly I should be sure without a shadow of a doubt that he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with BUT I’m not. Like all relationships there are some things about him that I haven’t decided I can live with forever and because of that I have started second guessing how I feel about him. Am I doing too much?  Am I reading too much into little things and potentially loosing the guy for me? At this point I’m totally confused.

Second Guessing Love, (Richmond, VA)

First off let me say that because I believe marriage is FOREVER none of what I say should be a determining factor in the decision YOU make BUT please take it for what it is, my opinion on your situation and use it in making the right decision for YOU.

Now, the start of your relationship sounds perfect, at least in the eyes of every one that has an opinion on relationships. The infamous ‘they’ always say that you should be friends first. So, let’s start there. How did you guys become friends? Was it by chance, by circumstance, or because of a common situation? Believe it or not I think this matters because how you met led to how you fell in love, which ultimately determines how you love someone. YES, there are different types of love.

If you met by chance then chances are your relationship had a natural flow. Meaning, you guys probably were both learning each other at the same time and growing together. You should be able to understand the core of your mate because you both came into the situation raw and built from nothing. Those flaws were revealed in the getting to know you stage and once you fell in love it was all or nothing. This love can easily be labeled as pure.

If you met by circumstance then chances are you got to know each other based off that circumstance. So, while you know how each other will handle that particular circumstance you don’t really know each other. You missed the getting to know the core of each other because it’s as if you jumped right into the relationship based off the circumstance. When you fell in love you only loved him based on the circumstance not really knowing who he was outside of it. This love can be called sympathetic usually because you love them for overcoming their circumstance.

If you met because of a common situation chances are you were hooked up via mutual friends or even some online dating service. This can go either way depending on the depiction of you given to him and vice versa. You see, the person you are to your friend may not be the same person you are in a relationship and we all know how deceiving online dating can be with people telling you what they want you to know. This creates a relationship built on perception because the mutual friend already thinks you guys are perfect for each other based on what she sees and what usually happens is the relationship starts building from that perception and here again you miss learning about the core of each other. So, when you fall in love you fall in love with the perception. Let’s call this everyday love, you know how some people say I love him I’m just not ‘in’ love with him, yeah, that love.

Now, I’m not saying that there is no way to have pure love if you met by circumstance or situation all I’m saying is that the so called steps are out of order. So, in both cases you have to go back to the getting to know each other phase where you find out the core of each other. Because a child is now in the picture it may seem like marriage is the right step but make sure this decision is well thought through. Go back to how you met and think on how you fell in love and ask yourself what type of love do you have for him. Then know that my God is not a God of confusion so all will be made clear at the right time and until then just keep LIVING OUT LOUD!!!!!!


  • This column is designed to doing just what the title says...Living Out Loud. Moca will discuss and give advice about life and everything that comes along with it. She is an ordinary woman with extraordinary insight. I'm very opinionated and I don't hesitate to speak my mind. Now what you read you may not always agree with and that's fine. Agreeing to disagree is healthy dialogue. What I write is not gospel but it is MOCA, Living Out Loud!!! So, I hope you Laugh, Learn, and Live Out Loud through this column. Do you have a question or concern that you want to address to Moca? If so email her at All inquires will be anonymous.

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