I’ve never written a letter like this before but I’m at my wits end so I thought, what the hell. Let me just get right to the point. I’m an educated woman, working on my career in my field of study.  I have my own home, vehicle, and money. I don’t have any kids and yet with all those positives, I’m single, which to me is a Big Negative. I, like most women, have a list of things I want my significant other to possess and I’ve dated men that have some of these qualities but no one that has them all.  I have all the qualities I’m looking for so I know it’s possible. Here’s my question, is it something wrong with me or are these lists out dated for the dating/relationship scene of 2012?

List-ful Thinking, (Tampa, FL)

The ONE thing I know about ‘the list’ is that it never seems to matter once you’re in a relationship. The ONLY time it’s even relevant is when you’re single. Have you ever noticed that when you’re in a relationship he seems to have everything? He’s your ultimate dream man. Then the moment you break up you realize something that needs to be on your list or taken off.  At a certain point in your life, you should be able to decipher what ACTUALLY MATTERS in a relationship.

I’m sure your list has changed over the years because your priorities have changed.  For example, the type of car a man drove may have been on ‘the list’ but after dating a man that treated his car better than his woman, I’m sure that no longer made ‘the list.’ To further prove my point I solicited the help of some of my friends (single, married, and divorced).

I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a ‘list.’ My friend George said it best, “YOU will find yourself in something YOU don’t want if YOU don’t learn to ask for what YOU do want.” I think the problem lies in how much emphasis is placed on ‘the list.’ Some of my friend’s lists were extremely detailed, I mean 35 items detailed, then there were some that were short and to the point. A few things stood out in these ‘lists.’ The younger guys were very general and short with their lists, which I thought was quite typical because most guys don’t know how to communicate let alone be specific about what they want in a relationship. Most of the older gentlemen knew exactly what they wanted and could clearly communicate specific items on their ‘list.’  “COMMON SENSE” was the only thing listed on more than one guy’s list, which leads to a whole different response. J  The women’s ‘list’ varied by age and life experiences. Those that were married and divorced had list that were 5 or less items, while some that were single had 10-35 items listed. One thing that stood out overall with both men and women regardless of age was ‘appearance’ it wasn’t on most people’s ‘list’…I know SHOCKING!!! Not really, because looks fade so being attracted to the soul of a person is way more important. You see with so many varied responses there is not only still some common ground but also compromises made in relationships that didn’t quite live up to the hype of ‘the list.’

Just so we’re clear there is NOTHING wrong with YOU but there is possibly something wrong with your ‘list.’  Don’t get so caught up in a ‘list’ that you miss Mr. Right For You. My advise is that YOU become so comfortable in who YOU are that YOU know exactly what YOU want without a ‘list’ and I promise that YOU will be able to enjoy what ACTUALLY MATTERS and do it while LIVING OUT LOUD!!!!!!!