Connect with us


I Am Not In Vain!

Dear Moca,

AM I A GOOD FRIEND? (I’m serious!) I’ve just been sitting here thinking and really don’t understand peoples’ concept of a FRIEND! I can’t understand how someone can call themselves a friend when they do stuff like know you’re hungry and broke, go get something to eat with you in the car and don’t even ask if you want anything. Ok, so you say they may not have money for you…ok…they don’t offer you any of their food. I can’t get how you could think you were a friend when you constantly break your promises, go back on your word, and always leave your friend hanging on a whelm. What am I missing? What about those ‘friends’ who are ready, willing, and able to be ‘Captain Savem’ i.e. always volunteering to do things for their friend, only to use those deeds to manipulate that friend? So, I’m thinking maybe I have it all wrong. I am definitely in the minority here. Maybe loyalty, kindness, honesty, love, support, maybe these things are merely fiction, tales of old to control the masses. Perhaps, the same as religion and entertainment, friendship is only a technique of sorts used to manipulate your time here on earth. LOL…I know I went deep but as I said I’ve been thinking. So, I ask you, AM I A GOOD FRIEND? Why or why not?


I Am Not In Vain!

Whew, yeah, you did go deep but I think you made some very valid points and your examples actually gave me some insight on what type of ‘friend’ you could be to others. So, let me start by saying that while there may be a dictionary definition of ‘friend’ I believe that individually we all have our own definition of the word. It usually coincides with the type of person you become after a few life lessons. The problem arises when the representative quits and the real person surfaces; this is the same for any relationship. This is when s***t gets real.

By definition a ‘friend’ is one attached to another by affection or esteem, according to Merriam-Webster. Now, I can’t be certain but I’m almost positive when people start throwing the ‘friend’ title around they are not going by the exact definition of the word. Nine times out of ten if we met someone that appears to have some similar likes, dislikes, beliefs, and overall outlook on life it’s easy for us to gravitate to them. Consistent time spent and multiple conversations create a comfortable environment for people to openly express themselves. There is nothing wrong with this part of the process.

The problem arises when people start to grow. When your journey is defined, some people will not make it to the end. For example, Tina and Sara meet. They have similarities that lead them to be ‘friends’. A few years past, Tina and Sara both have had some life lessons but Sara has been able to define her journey. She is moving through her lessons and ultimately working on a better Sara. Now, Tina has learned her lessons but seems to be stuck and not able to grow from them. When you come to this point with your ‘friends’ two things can happen.

One, Sara can allow Tina space to grow and give her a shoulder to lean on when it seems to rough and Tina can respect where Sara is and work on Tina. This approach is what I like to call ‘ordained friendships.’ Which means it was designed for both Sara and Tina to be friends. Not because they are so much alike but in essence because they are different. You’ve heard the term ‘equally yoked’ when it comes to marriage but have you ever thought that a friendship needs to be ‘equally yoked’ as well?

Two, Sara can press Tina to grow through her lessons. This will create resentment and jealousy between both of them. At any given moment Sara or Tina will erupt with harsh words and labels reflected of the same things that made each of them ‘friends’ in the first place. This is what I mean by ‘representative’ because neither one of them were comfortable with who they were from the beginning and so they presented who they wanted to be and when the ‘real’ person surfaced that’s when people realize that the person they once called ‘friend’ was not meant to hold that position for the duration of their journey.

Don’t blame yourself for the people you chose to call ‘friend’ because that decision was based on whom they presented to you. Blame yourself for continuing to call that person ‘friend’ after they have fired the ‘representative’ and revealed who they really are to you. Your definition of ‘friend’ is a reflection of you. So, if ‘loyalty, kindness, honesty, and support’ is what you bring to the table then who ever you call ‘friend’ should bring the exact characteristics. As far as ‘captain savem’, if I trusted you enough to tell you my good and my bad and you reached out to help only to turn around and throw it in my face, you are NOT a ‘friend.’ PERIOD!!!!!

So, to answer your question, YES, I think YOU are a GOOD FRIEND, just off your characteristics of a  ‘friend.’ But you have to be able to not just see those attributes in someone you call ‘friend’ you have to see them in action when situations arise. Make sure you identify who you are and present you and not a representative when meeting people. It’s easy to get caught up in the ‘manipulation’ of the world, so stay TRUE to you and LIVE OUT LOUD!!!!!



  • This column is designed to doing just what the title says...Living Out Loud. Moca will discuss and give advice about life and everything that comes along with it. She is an ordinary woman with extraordinary insight. I'm very opinionated and I don't hesitate to speak my mind. Now what you read you may not always agree with and that's fine. Agreeing to disagree is healthy dialogue. What I write is not gospel but it is MOCA, Living Out Loud!!! So, I hope you Laugh, Learn, and Live Out Loud through this column. Do you have a question or concern that you want to address to Moca? If so email her at All inquires will be anonymous.

Newsletter Signup

Up Next:

Confused Single

Don't Miss:

List-ful Thinking

Click to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Newsletter Signup