Emotionally Drained

Dear Moca,

 I’m going through it right now. My husband has befriended a young woman. Now, at first I thought it was harmless but lately I feel like their connection is becoming more emotional. He says there is nothing going on but this friendship is causing some friction in our relationship. Some of my friends are saying not to worry about it, if he’s not sleeping with her. But it bothers me. What do you think is worse an emotional or physical affair?

 Emotionally Drained, (Louisville, KY)

The way you signed your name, ‘emotionally drained’, should give you some indication of the answer. Emotions can take a lot out of you. When you are emotionally attached to someone it’s deeper than physical and can take a long time to get over, if ever.  How we tend to handle our emotions is what can cause us problems. Let Moca break it down for you, honey.


First off, an affair is an affair, regardless of what kind.  But an emotional affair would be a lot harder to overcome than a physical one. Once that bond has been made emotionally it’s hard to break. Emotional connections don’t happen overnight. This means that a lot of time has been spent together, talking and getting to know each other. That leads to being able to trust that individual and a feeling of comfort when they are around each other.  Once a level of comfort has been reached emotions are expressed. They begin discussing things that really should be talked about with their significant other and therein lies TROUBLE.

Now, there is little to no communication between you and your significant other because they are telling their ‘friend’ instead of you. You have lost the friendship part of the relationship. Every day is starting to seem so mundane to the point where you don’t even like being around each other. This pushes you farther apart.  Even though you might think staying away from each other most of the time is ‘keeping the peace’ in your home, its really the foundation for destruction of the home.  Once you have lost ‘communication’ and the ‘friendship’ then sure to follow is there friend ‘trust.’ At this point, ‘the friction in your relationship’ that you spoke on is evident.

Trying to fix a relationship that has been emotionally broken is difficult, not impossible but difficult.  The movie ‘Not Easily Broken’ with Taraji Henson and Morris Chestnut is a GREAT example of how an emotional connection with someone outside of your significant other can cause havoc on your relationship. There is a scene in the movie after Taraji finds out about the relationship Morris is having she asks him ‘is it just sex or does she have your heart…because I can’t compete with your heart.’

That in a nutshell is why emotional affairs are worse than physical ones. The physical is external and the heart is internal.

Now, don’t get me wrong. While it may be harder to overcome an emotional affair as opposed to a physical one, it is worth a try especially if you have spoken those words, ‘til death do us part.’ You see what God has intended for you is for you, so fight for it, honey. Betty Wright said it best, ‘Anything worth having at all, is worth working for and waiting for…. see you can’t give up cause times get hard, it’s just that ol devil trying to keep us apart, say devil you ain’t got nothing here…..’ (No Pain No Gain)

Lesson Learned: “Anything worth having at all is worth working for….”


  • This column is designed to doing just what the title says...Living Out Loud. Moca will discuss and give advice about life and everything that comes along with it. She is an ordinary woman with extraordinary insight. I'm very opinionated and I don't hesitate to speak my mind. Now what you read you may not always agree with and that's fine. Agreeing to disagree is healthy dialogue. What I write is not gospel but it is MOCA, Living Out Loud!!! So, I hope you Laugh, Learn, and Live Out Loud through this column. Do you have a question or concern that you want to address to Moca? If so email her at mocasayz@yahoo.com All inquires will be anonymous.

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