I made the decision to leave my ex-fiance’. I know an ‘ex’ is an ‘ex’ for a reason but why can’t I stop thinking of him sometimes? I won’t give in to the temptation to call or text but would it be wrong to see how he’s doing? I’ve moved on as far as knowing that I don’t want to be with him but I’m afraid that if I start communication I may be entering the danger zone!!! What should I do?
Confused but Cautious, (Augusta, GA)
LISTEN!!!! You are still ‘IN’ love with him!!!! The fact that you think communicating with him will put you in ‘the danger zone’ clearly reflects that you are still ‘IN’ love with him. Now I know some people may think there is no difference between being ‘IN’ love with someone and ‘LOVING’ someone but there is clearly a difference. Moca has been there and done that, honey, and what I learned is you need to take the time to just be.
You see I was in a long-term relationship. He cheated and I found out in a horrible way. So of course, my heart was shattered. It was shattered by the fact that he lied to me, that he disrespected me, and that he cheated. When I found out I immediately ended the relationship. But just because I told him It was over didn’t mean I stopped being ‘IN’ love with him. He continued to call, I wouldn’t answer the phone but every time my phone would ring and it was him I felt sick to my stomach. I just tried to move on with my life.
I never showed signs to anyone that I was emotionally drained from that relationship. Months past and he called, I thought I was over him or not ‘IN’ love with him but as soon as I heard his voice all those feelings came rushing back. I didn’t want to admit it but I have given him control. Almost a year later, after I dealt with me, after I gain complete control of my life back, after I realized the lessons and made a conscious decision to grow from them I could call him and tell him THANK YOU!!! And now I do ‘LOVE’ him and we are friends, able to have a cordial conversation about what’s going on in our lives and so forth.
When you are ‘IN’ love with someone you actively want to show them how much you love them. Whether it’s by the things you do or don’t do. Also with the things you say and how you say them. You are basically caring ‘for’ that person. All these actions usually occur while in the relationship. When you break up it is not easy to stop being ‘IN’ love with your mate. No one can turn love on and off like a light switch. And no one expects you to, but what most people, especially females, fail to do, is take the time to just be. Instead you immediately make up in your mind that you are fine with it all, that you are over the whole relationship. You convince yourself, that wanting to make sure he is ok is you just being a caring friend. LIES!!! ALL LIES!!!
Fresh out a relationship usually leaves both parties vulnerable. This means that you are easily influenced emotionally. So, what happens is you go out a few nights with your girls, you get a few numbers from random people, you might even go on a few dates and you decide that you are over your ex. So you want to call and ‘check on him’ see how he’s doing and as soon as you do immediately all those feelings of caring ‘for’ him return. Now you are slowly falling back into the same situation you recently left. An unhealthy repetitive cycle begins.
Take time to just be…. figure out what happened. Why did that relationship not work? What part did you play in the demise of it? What did you realize you cannot tolerate? What did you determine you can live with? Learn the lessons and grow. Separate yourself completely from him/her. No phone calls, no texts, and don’t go to the same places you know he will be, complete separation. Do this for as long as you need to. Once you are in a better place feel free to call to see how he’s doing. At this point, you should just ‘LOVE’ him because he assisted in your growth. He allowed you to open your eyes and see the real you. You now care “about” that person.
The old saying is true, ‘Only time heals a broken heart.’ You just need to allow the time. Now, if you truly don’t want to be with this guy then you need to completely pull away and allow distance to clear ‘the danger zone.’ Unfortunately, there is no grey area between ‘caring for’ and ‘caring about’ someone. So decide if you are ‘IN’ love with him or do you ‘LOVE’ him. Be honest with yourself and don’t hesitate to LIVE OUT LOUD!!!
Lesson Learned: Take time to just be…. Live Out Loud!!