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I have a habit that I just can’t seem to break and I’m not sure if it’s entirely my fault. Since I can remember I’ve always been the ‘friend with benefits’ and not the ‘girlfriend.’ I seem to always find myself in situations where I’m just the chick in rotation. Sometimes I don’t mind because I convince myself that having someone is better than not having anyone. Then there are times when I get completely depressed and frustrated, ending the relationship and of course vowing to never do it again. But, the cycle continues and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m ready for a change but I don’t know how to actually change and I’m afraid of the reactions I will receive from guys. HELP!!!!!!!

Changing Titles, (Dallas, TX)

First of all, let me be clear, it is YOUR fault. I know that might sound harsh but sometimes reality needs to hit you in the face in order for you to step outside of your situation and make a change. If you have read any of my responses then you know I have stated on several occasions, people will only do what you ALLOW them to do. The first step in making any type of life change is to admit your part. Granted there maybe some internal reasons that cause you to make the decisions but nonetheless they are YOUR decisions.

Changing, and growing from this lesson is definitely doable. Trust, you are not the first person in this situation and you will not be the last. Like anything in life the first step is realizing that there is an issue. Congratulations, you have done that. That’s probably the hardest step, everything else is you making a conscious decision to change and doing so. Everybody knows that the ratio of women to men will always be unbalanced in favor of the men. Butwomen can attempt to even this playing field by the things that we allow. You see for years some women have been taught, have seen, or have just adapted to the thought that you mentioned, ‘it’s better to have someone than to not have anyone.’ With this train of thought comes the man’s ability to utilize women as just something to do. If you are ok with it they damn sure not going to rock the boat.

You have to decide what you want and what you are ready for, if you are ready for a serious relationship then don’t settle for just being friends or cut buddy. A guy is quick to tell a female whathe’s looking for but for some reason females act as if we don’t have a say so in the matter. Speak up!!! When you hear those all too familiar lines such as, ‘I’m not ready for a relationship,’ ‘I just want to be friends,’ or ‘Why don’t we just go with the flow and see what happens.’ Then you follow with your on lines such as, ‘I am ready for a relationship, so this is not going to work,’ or ‘I want more than a friendship.’

MocaSayz, men are afraid of commitment and women are afraid to speak their minds and express how they truly feel to a man and this leads to thousands if not millions of situations like yours….friends with benefits. Once you have determined what YOU want then act accordingly and don’t except less than YOUR WORTH. If more women did this I promise men would either learn how to take the risk that women do when it comes to love and commitment or learn how to be lonely. Don’t be afraid of your future, be afraid that your present won’t change. Then GROW from this situation and LIVE OUT LOUD!!!!!


Nakeisha "Moca" McDaniel
+ posts

This column is designed to doing just what the title says...Living Out Loud. Moca will discuss and give advice about life and everything that comes along with it. She is an ordinary woman with extraordinary insight. I'm very opinionated and I don't hesitate to speak my mind. Now what you read you may not always agree with and that's fine. Agreeing to disagree is healthy dialogue. What I write is not gospel but it is MOCA, Living Out Loud!!! So, I hope you Laugh, Learn, and Live Out Loud through this column. Do you have a question or concern that you want to address to Moca? If so email her at All inquires will be anonymous.

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